Now that I've been back home, and back
in the daily routine – I have had the appropriate time to reflect on
our 3 weeks in Ireland.
There are so many different thoughts
and feelings that I still, sitting here now, cannot figure out what
path to choose to describe it all.
Ireland is truly a magical place –
even with no family or friends – you will see, I think, the
following: they are out of time to some extent so they move slower,
they are friendlier, warmer, yet, hard working and connected – to
each other, and the earth.
But, this time, we weren't there as
tourists – though we did enjoy a few new things. This time it was
all about family.
I had not realized how much I was
holding my breath to meet the mother of our grandson. The few phone
conversations we had with Alex before coming were insightful, but
Alex has always been the positive human, so I continued to process
what he said through a filter of my own – not even realizing I was
doing this subconsciously.
The majority of my thoughts leading up
to us landing there were how hard it was going to leave after our 3
weeks are done. Yep! That's right – that's me and my “realistic”
or “pessimistic” thought process – how painful it will be to
say goodbye when I hadn't even gotten there to say hello. It's
sadistic, sick, wrong – but it's my warped mind that I'm continuing
to try and shift. A work in progress – for the rest of my time as
this human being called Kelley.
The first few days there were a bit
awkward and yet, familiar. The familiarity was being back in
Leachare and seeing the majority of people in care that we had met
and got to know 2 ½ years ago for our 2 ½ weeks time there. But,
all of the workers, except for Alex, were different. And, the
biggest changes that were awkward were Emma and Felix.
On the 3rd day we packed up
and headed out for a week away from Leachare and their (technically
Alex's) work to get to know Emma and Felix, at the resort we rented.
I know the tension that was living in
me before we left, and landed, was still quite strong. So, on our
first full day away I engaged with Alex to have an adult conversation
about their future path – thinking how much I was longing to have
Felix nearby, as grandparents, and what I thought our role as
grandparents is supposed to be. But, my adult conversation quickly
fell into just blubbering tears and, though I tried to not make Alex
feel guilty – I know, even now as I sit here typing this, that I
did make him feel both guilty and awkward. That was not my intention
– and I know Alex knows that as well as we've talked about it
towards the end of our trip. But, in the moment of it all – it was
a release I did not know I needed to have – and, probably not one
that Alex needed to see – yet it happened.
After that crazy moment, and apologies
we kind of left it just floating out in the ether of the unknown.
Which, honestly, is the only place it belongs.
Our week away from their work
(Leachare) and just hanging out watching movies, or going for walks,
or touring a castle or pub was just what was needed for all of us to
relax and get familiar with this whole paradigm of life.
Getting this time to watch them as a
family unit, and watching Alex and Emma as a couple – was the best
thing ever! As I said on my facebook, Emma is the sweetest, calmest,
most natural and intuitive mother I have ever met. Felix is one very
lucky little boy having both a mother, and father, who truly see him
as this amazing miracle of life that has his own path and potential
in the years to come. Alex has found an amazing person whom he loves
deeply, and, she loves him deeply back. The love for Emma is unconditional, as is Felix.
By the end of that week I knew that
they, as a family unit, were good. They were better than good – they were on their
path and they will be fine. Which was apparently what I needed to
see, and feel, to finally relax into the unknown of the future of
watching life move onward and forward.
Coming back to Leachare for the last
almost 2 weeks of our time was amazing to watch. Just when I thought
that I knew my son, Alex – I would continue to have little snippets
of his work life and see how responsible he has become, how
knowledgeable he has become, and, even when things are difficult, that
he can step back, take a breath before engaging in more difficult
situations in a kind and human way. So many of these things that I did not learn until much older in
life. Alex continues to teach me new things, and make me proud.
It was still hard to say goodbye, but,
only in the fact that I loved seeing them as a family unit and would
love to be close enough to engage and watch it more often than we can
right now. But, I no longer feel worried or stressed about them as a
whole. My role as grandparent is still that – even if it's long
distance – for now.
The most important part is that this
trip was needed to once again remind me that I have no control – of
anything - other than myself.
