This was more difficult than I realized. For awhile I had to designate one or two fingernails to be sacrificial lambs - realizing that cold turkey just wasn't going to do it for me. But, what this was teaching me was to pay attention to when I am stressed, anxious or upset and pause to try to figure out not only why (sometimes it was completely imaginary) but how to refocus it into something healthier.
I had already been doing walks - though, not daily, and certainly not at the speed I am now accomplishing - but now I was using the walks as a first step to refocus my internal battle of stress and anxiety.
I had not yet realized that my 12+ years of sedentary lifestyle was at the root of all of this...
Taking these baby steps pushed me to go see the doctor as well. For the first time I had my blood tested thinking that all the weight I had gained, the aches and pains, the depression, was caused by hypo-thyroid. That this test would show that and I could start taking some magic pill to help make the shift or transition a bit easier - HA HA (lazy me)!
The blood test showed no such thing. It did show that my cholesterol was incredibly high and that if I did not start making some major changes I could easily end up a statistic - it was 300!
That news was crushing, alarming, and awakening - at least, at the time, I thought it was. It also let all the anxiety and fear creep back in.
Okay, time to step it up a notch. Start watching what I eat. Stop going out as much, cut back on the alcohol, eat more fruit, veggies, whole foods, etc. And, more exercise - without calling it that. I started playing racquetball with my husband and started making my walks daily at work - moving my mile walk to two miles.
Six months later - blood check up. My cholesterol dropped 40 points and I had lost some weight (I did not want to know how much I weighed when I first visited, and didn't want to know the second time because I knew myself too well. That would just spiral me down in the depression tube and all this would be for naught. Besides it wasn't about the weight - it was about my health.). The doctor was happy with the results and said to keep going and come back in another 6 months to check the blood again. I would end up not going back to check for another two years or more.
During that summer some friends took my husband and I to our first CRG (Carolina Roller Girls) derby bout - and I fell in love!
I went home and dug out my in-line skates and started skating out on the driveway, and then up and down the street, the whole time thinking that I would love to learn derby and get back on 4-wheel skates. I looked at their website to see what it took to try and become a derby skater. 18 and up - that was it!
I sat on that desire for months.
By the end of the year my husband and I decided to not renew our Y membership and let the racquetball die out. My walks continued and that derby desire continued to eat at me. Could I do it? Some of the women are larger like me - so it seemed to be possible. I wonder what the social stigma of an older woman starting might be? Well, you won't know until you try. And, try I did!
Just over two years ago I made my attempt at roller derby. My first night of attending an open practice was awesome! I had so much fun just being out there on roller skates again. The women were all very welcoming and supportive. My husband had gone with me and even he said afterwards, "You were just glowing out there. You couldn't stop smiling!"
I was incredibly sore - 2 hours of non-stop skating - you bet I was sore! But, it was such a good sore and, the endorphins lasted for days! At least it seemed that way. Less than a week later I am back for my second open practice, with my husband again and that's when it happened... Crash, pop, ouch! I fell, and I did not fall well. A dislocated and broken left shoulder, months of physical therapy, and - the depression, anxiety and stress started creeping back in again.
My internal voice started telling me that I was stupid to have even tried this. I'm not 20 any more. You are just an idiotic mid-life crises woman who should just settle for the life you've become. Etc, etc. Yep - the voice that has always won every time I've tried to do something and fail at it with an injury or pain - reminded me that I can't do this. Just give up...
Two months later my dad died from a heart attack - from his high cholesterol. That news was even more crushing, alarming and awakening. It was the defining moment for me that I needed to amp up my push to be healthy more than ever before! I stepped up my need to manage my portions of food; almost completely cut out eating out; whole unprocessed foods are back in my life - yum!; and increased my walking (I kept trying to add jogging but shins hated me).
One morning (shortly after my dads death) while sitting at the front desk at work an angel named Sabine floated in to say hello and give me a much needed hug. I mentioned to her how frustrated I was that every time I tried to get into shape that I managed to injure myself and lose any momentum I had built up. She suggested attending her deep stretch class - that knowing how to stretch both before and after exercise was just as important as the exercising. So, I gave it a shot...
Two years have passed since I started those changes and here is what has changed...
Obviously physically a lot has happened. I've lost over 70lbs and gone from a size 16 to a size 10 (which I continue to be in denial about - I still think, and feel, like I'm a size 16 some days). My cholesterol has dropped about 20 more points - it is still high but the doctor says that I'm probably genetically predisposed for high cholesterol since both my dad and mom have it and a few grandparents did as well (but I'm not giving up hope). But that the doctor is so impressed with my change that she did not feel a need to put me on statins - and to come visit her again when I'm ready.
I am the most flexible I've been since I was about 25. This is almost completely thanks to deep stretch. Adding this delicious and nutritious part of my physical diet into the mix was the best move ever! I am breathing better than I ever could have imagined and I know I still have so much more to learn.
My endurance is much higher and yet I know there is so much more growth needed with that. My husband built me a standing desk this past summer which has helped improve my endurance. I am also adding in planking and squats with more to add on soon!
Stress, anxiety and my emotional upheavals have lessened. They are no where near gone, but, I'm able to recognize when I'm feeling 'out' now - which is HUGE for me. Usually when I notice that I'm 'out' that's when I know it's time to move. My daily walks are as much therapeutic as they are exercise.
Which brings me to derby...
After the big fall I had many people say things like: I guess your done with derby; your mid-life crises is over now right?; derby is for younger people; why don't you try something less dangerous next time... yep, a 45 year old shouldn't be trying such silly things, right? (Remember this was 2 years ago.)
I'm really glad people said those things because reverse psychology works incredibly well on me. So, as I seethed as they insulted me through their words of worry and caring I internalized "Fuck you, I can do this. How dare you tell me I can't." And yet, at the same time my own inner voice was nodding and agreeing with them. It was an internal battle that would rage for the next year or so. Though, outwardly I would respond when someone asked, "Are you going to try derby again?" by answering, "Hell yes!" Trying to convince my inner voice that we could do this.
I know my husband was hoping that I would let the derby dream die so that he didn't have to worry about me going to the hospital again. We had a couple of conversations about my safety - but I think he could see the pain in my eyes at failing and that I really was happy doing this sport and, deep down, needed to give it another shot.
My husband did something for me - he gave me a gift that he may not even be aware of - the gift of massage. He had been giving me massages prior to my derby fall, and was clearly loosening things up. The amount of stress I hold in my shoulders is dangerously high - enough that I would end up being a hunchback by the time I was 60. The massages stopped for awhile after my injury - to give myself time to heal, recover and get through the physical therapy. When I started up deep stretch, he started back with the massages.
Feeling the best I had felt in what seemed like a lifetime but was just under two years since my fall I emailed the CRG to find out about open practices, location, costs, etc. To my surprise and joy I received a response that they were going to start their first ever Derby School. And 8 week course with 2 days a week of learning and skating with some of the CRG ladies - and at the end of this course we would finish with try outs - and if successful be able to join the league!
So I delayed my start from January to when the derby class would start in February.
That was longest month of my life. I had paid for the school - committed I thought. But the inner voice started back up with a vengeance! "Are you stupid? Are you crazy? You're just trying to hurt yourself again. You can't do this. You're too old for this. You're still not ready. You'll never be ready." And so on. Yes, I am my own worst enemy - aren't we all?
Every time it was derby class day I woke with anxiety like you wouldn't believe. I couldn't breath normal, my stomach hurt, my left shoulder would ghost ache - reminding me of the dangers and the possible pain. The voice started and would not stop.
The first class was the hardest to attend. Not only because of the incredible overwhelming flashbacks of dislocating my shoulder, but meeting new people and socializing was freaking me out - I'm also an introvert. Plus, there was an underlying worry that I would be the oldest woman there (I am) and that I would be frowned upon because of that (I was not).
There were 16 classes in all - I attended 10 of them. So, the anxiety and voice won 6 times.
Every time I went to derby class I had a BLAST! Every time I came home I would ramble on and on to my husband about what I learned, whether I fell or not, what improvements I had made - I just glowed! That glow would last into the next day at work and nothing could make my day bad.
My muscles continued to scream at me that I was torturing them and to please make it stop. Epsom salt baths had become an additional friend on top of the hot tub, deep stretch and walks. The massages had disappeared because my husband was going through some knee and feet issues. I missed them, but I think the other things I was doing was enough to compensate for that temporary loss. (And, we are now back to massages again! Lucky me!)
Half way through the derby school I came to realize that my sedentary lifestyle had truly been killing me. If there is only one thing I can tell people it would be to start moving, and don't stop. The day you stop moving is the day your body starts dying.
I have muscles I didn't know I had and they are just now starting to wake up and function like they should be. Every ache and pain I have makes me feel alive and feeling like I'm headed the right direction - for the first time in a long time.
But, the growth hasn't been about the physical for me - this time, with derby - it's become about overcoming that horrible voice I have inside. One week before our try outs one of the CRG ladies reminded us, "Remember, try outs are next Saturday!" In which I replied, "If I come but don't feel comfortable attempting them, can I just watch?"
The Friday night before try outs I went one last time to Ballz' class at Jellybeans. (The CRG moved their practices from Jellybeans to a auto garage that they call the Chop Shop. Jellybeans is a roller skating rink and, when I had injured my shoulder, that was where it had happened - at Jellybeans though a different rink.) The reason I mention this was I was hit with a wave of panic as I stood up with all my gear and skates on and was about to step on the roller skate rink floor. I knew that if I could step out there and practice everything that would be in try outs tomorrow that I could do those try outs. And out I rolled, owning that wave of fear, and turning it into the strength I needed.
Try outs were both fun and exhausting. There were a total of 7 of us there officially trying out - 5 of us left from the official derby school of 12. We bonded and laughed and cheered each other on through our successes, our best tries, and our falls. And in the end all of us passed!
On the long drive home I cried out of pure joy that for the first time in my whole entire life I had fallen, hurt myself, and got back up to try again - and DID IT!
This journey is far from over. I've had many people tell me how proud they are of me. That feels good but... I'm proud of me, and that feels GREAT!
