Fun with Felix

Journey of Reflection...

I had no idea that the day I decided to stop biting and picking at my fingernails that it would become a journey of reflection.  I realized that I had been putting a lot of my anxiety, stress, and emotional upset into my fingernails all these years which had left them continually shorter than my skin line for as far back as I could remember.  I felt sorry for my fingernails and thought it was time to stop punishing them.

This was more difficult than I realized.  For awhile I had to designate one or two fingernails to be sacrificial lambs - realizing that cold turkey just wasn't going to do it for me.  But, what this was teaching me was to pay attention to when I am stressed, anxious or upset and pause to try to figure out not only why (sometimes it was completely imaginary) but how to refocus it into something healthier.

I had already been doing walks - though, not daily, and certainly not at the speed I am now accomplishing - but now I was using the walks as a first step to refocus my internal battle of stress and anxiety. 

I had not yet realized that my 12+ years of sedentary lifestyle was at the root of all of this...

Taking these baby steps pushed me to go see the doctor as well.  For the first time I had my blood tested thinking that all the weight I had gained, the aches and pains, the depression, was caused by hypo-thyroid.  That this test would show that and I could start taking some magic pill to help make the shift or transition a bit easier - HA HA (lazy me)!

The blood test showed no such thing.  It did show that my cholesterol was incredibly high and that if I did not start making some major changes I could easily end up a statistic - it was 300!

That news was crushing, alarming, and awakening - at least, at the time, I thought it was.  It also let all the anxiety and fear creep back in. 

Okay, time to step it up a notch.  Start watching what I eat.  Stop going out as much, cut back on the alcohol, eat more fruit, veggies, whole foods, etc.  And, more exercise - without calling it that.  I started playing racquetball with my husband and started making my walks daily at work - moving my mile walk to two miles.

Six months later - blood check up.  My cholesterol dropped 40 points and I had lost some weight (I did not want to know how much I weighed when I first visited, and didn't want to know the second time because I knew myself too well.  That would just spiral me down in the depression tube and all this would be for naught.  Besides it wasn't about the weight - it was about my health.).  The doctor was happy with the results and said to keep going and come back in another 6 months to check the blood again.  I would end up not going back to check for another two years or more.

During that summer some friends took my husband and I to our first CRG (Carolina Roller Girls) derby bout - and I fell in love!

I went home and dug out my in-line skates and started skating out on the driveway, and then up and down the street, the whole time thinking that I would love to learn derby and get back on 4-wheel skates.  I looked at their website to see what it took to try and become a derby skater.  18 and up - that was it!

I sat on that desire for months.

By the end of the year my husband and I decided to not renew our Y membership and let the racquetball die out.  My walks continued and that derby desire continued to eat at me.  Could I do it?  Some of the women are larger like me - so it seemed to be possible.  I wonder what the social stigma of an older woman starting might be?  Well, you won't know until you try.  And, try I did!

Just over two years ago I made my attempt at roller derby.  My first night of attending an open practice was awesome!  I had so much fun just being out there on roller skates again.  The women were all very welcoming and supportive.  My husband had gone with me and even he said afterwards, "You were just glowing out there.  You couldn't stop smiling!"

I was incredibly sore - 2 hours of non-stop skating - you bet I was sore!  But, it was such a good sore and, the endorphins lasted for days!  At least it seemed that way.  Less than a week later I am back for my second open practice, with my husband again and that's when it happened...  Crash, pop, ouch!  I fell, and I did not fall well.  A dislocated and broken left shoulder, months of physical therapy, and - the depression, anxiety and stress started creeping back in again.

My internal voice started telling me that I was stupid to have even tried this.  I'm not 20 any more.  You are just an idiotic mid-life crises woman who should just settle for the life you've become. Etc, etc.  Yep - the voice that has always won every time I've tried to do something and fail at it with an injury or pain - reminded me that I can't do this.  Just give up...

Two months later my dad died from a heart attack - from his high cholesterol.  That news was even more crushing, alarming and awakening.  It was the defining moment for me that I needed to amp up my push to be healthy more than ever before!  I stepped up my need to manage my portions of food; almost completely cut out eating out; whole unprocessed foods are back in my life - yum!; and increased my walking (I kept trying to add jogging but shins hated me).

One morning (shortly after my dads death) while sitting at the front desk at work an angel named Sabine floated in to say hello and give me a much needed hug.  I mentioned to her how frustrated I was that every time I tried to get into shape that I managed to injure myself and lose any momentum I had built up.  She suggested attending her deep stretch class - that knowing how to stretch both before and after exercise was just as important as the exercising.  So, I gave it a shot...

Two years have passed since I started those changes and here is what has changed...

Obviously physically a lot has happened.  I've lost over 70lbs and gone from a size 16 to a size 10 (which I continue to be in denial about - I still think, and feel, like I'm a size 16 some days).  My cholesterol has dropped about 20 more points - it is still high but the doctor says that I'm probably genetically predisposed for high cholesterol since both my dad and mom have it and a few grandparents did as well (but I'm not giving up hope).  But that the doctor is so impressed with my change that she did not feel a need to put me on statins - and to come visit her again when I'm ready.

I am the most flexible I've been since I was about 25.  This is almost completely thanks to deep stretch.  Adding this delicious and nutritious part of my physical diet into the mix was the best move ever!  I am breathing better than I ever could have imagined and I know I still have so much more to learn.

My endurance is much higher and yet I know there is so much more growth needed with that.  My husband built me a standing desk this past summer which has helped improve my endurance. I am also adding in planking and squats with more to add on soon!

Stress, anxiety and my emotional upheavals have lessened.  They are no where near gone, but, I'm able to recognize when I'm feeling 'out' now - which is HUGE for me.  Usually when I notice that I'm 'out' that's when I know it's time to move.  My daily walks are as much therapeutic as they are exercise.

Which brings me to derby...

After the big fall I had many people say things like: I guess your done with derby; your mid-life crises is over now right?; derby is for younger people; why don't you try something less dangerous next time...  yep, a 45 year old shouldn't be trying such silly things, right? (Remember this was 2 years ago.)

I'm really glad people said those things because reverse psychology works incredibly well on me.  So, as I seethed as they insulted me through their words of worry and caring I internalized "Fuck you, I can do this.  How dare you tell me I can't."  And yet, at the same time my own inner voice was nodding and agreeing with them.  It was an internal battle that would rage for the next year or so.  Though, outwardly I would respond when someone asked, "Are you going to try derby again?" by answering, "Hell yes!"  Trying to convince my inner voice that we could do this.

I know my husband was hoping that I would let the derby dream die so that he didn't have to worry about me going to the hospital again.  We had a couple of conversations about my safety - but I think he could see the pain in my eyes at failing and that I really was happy doing this sport and, deep down, needed to give it another shot.

My husband did something for me - he gave me a gift that he may not even be aware of - the gift of massage. He had been giving me massages prior to my derby fall, and was clearly loosening things up.  The amount of stress I hold in my shoulders is dangerously high - enough that I would end up being a hunchback by the time I was 60.  The massages stopped for awhile after my injury - to give myself time to heal, recover and get through the physical therapy.  When I started up deep stretch, he started back with the massages.

Feeling the best I had felt in what seemed like a lifetime but was just under two years since my fall I emailed the CRG to find out about open practices, location, costs, etc.  To my surprise and joy I received a response that they were going to start their first ever Derby School.  And 8 week course with 2 days a week of learning and skating with some of the CRG ladies - and at the end of this course we would finish with try outs - and if successful be able to join the league!

So I delayed my start from January to when the derby class would start in February.

That was longest month of my life.  I had paid for the school - committed I thought.  But the inner voice started back up with a vengeance!  "Are you stupid?  Are you crazy?  You're just trying to hurt yourself again.  You can't do this.  You're too old for this.  You're still not ready.  You'll never be ready." And so on.  Yes, I am my own worst enemy - aren't we all?

Every time it was derby class day I woke with anxiety like you wouldn't believe.  I couldn't breath normal, my stomach hurt, my left shoulder would ghost ache - reminding me of the dangers and the possible pain.  The voice started and would not stop.

The first class was the hardest to attend.  Not only because of the incredible overwhelming flashbacks of dislocating my shoulder, but meeting new people and socializing was freaking me out - I'm also an introvert.  Plus, there was an underlying worry that I would be the oldest woman there (I am) and that I would be frowned upon because of that (I was not).

There were 16 classes in all - I attended 10 of them.  So, the anxiety and voice won 6 times. 

Every time I went to derby class I had a BLAST!  Every time I came home I would ramble on and on to my husband about what I learned, whether I fell or not, what improvements I had made - I just glowed!  That glow would last into the next day at work and nothing could make my day bad.

My muscles continued to scream at me that I was torturing them and to please make it stop.  Epsom salt baths had become an additional friend on top of the hot tub, deep stretch and walks.  The massages had disappeared because my husband was going through some knee and feet issues.  I missed them, but I think the other things I was doing was enough to compensate for that temporary loss. (And, we are now back to massages again! Lucky me!)

Half way through the derby school I came to realize that my sedentary lifestyle had truly been killing me.  If there is only one thing I can tell people it would be to start moving, and don't stop.  The day you stop moving is the day your body starts dying.

I have muscles I didn't know I had and they are just now starting to wake up and function like they should be.  Every ache and pain I have makes me feel alive and feeling like I'm headed the right direction - for the first time in a long time.

But, the growth hasn't been about the physical for me - this time, with derby - it's become about overcoming that horrible voice I have inside.  One week before our try outs one of the CRG ladies reminded us, "Remember, try outs are next Saturday!"  In which I replied, "If I come but don't feel comfortable attempting them, can I just watch?"   Her response was, "You come and you try out.  You can do this!"

The Friday night before try outs I went one last time to Ballz' class at Jellybeans. (The CRG moved their practices from Jellybeans to a auto garage that they call the Chop Shop.  Jellybeans is a roller skating rink and, when I had injured my shoulder, that was where it had happened - at Jellybeans though a different rink.)  The reason I mention this was I was hit with a wave of panic as I stood up with all my gear and skates on and was about to step on the roller skate rink floor.  I knew that if I could step out there and practice everything that would be in try outs tomorrow that I could do those try outs.  And out I rolled, owning that wave of fear, and turning it into the strength I needed.

Try outs were both fun and exhausting.  There were a total of 7 of us there officially trying out - 5 of us left from the official derby school of 12.  We bonded and laughed and cheered each other on through our successes, our best tries, and our falls.  And in the end all of us passed!

On the long drive home I cried out of pure joy that for the first time in my whole entire life I had fallen, hurt myself, and got back up to try again - and DID IT!

This journey is far from over.  I've had many people tell me how proud they are of me.  That feels good but... I'm proud of me, and that feels GREAT!

In 5 days I will, once again, attempt to learn roller derby.

I am both excited and petrified at the same time. Leaving me wishing that for just a little while my daddy was still alive so I could hear him say, “You've got this hon.”

The elation and joy that I experienced trying it the first time still lives in me quite strongly. Not only the fun and excitement of once again being on roller skates, but meeting the women that were there – both skilled and, just learning – were like my sisters. For the first time I felt like I belonged.

I am really not sure whether I want to be officially on the team. The commitment is quite high and there are many women I bump into here in NC that say, “Oh, I wanted to do that but the commitment is just too much!” Or, they say, “I have a good friend who was going to do it but the commitment was just too much.” What I'm really looking for is to give this Derby School a try and see if it fits with me. The commitment part is probably easier than I imagine since I no longer have any children to look after. But, for now, this is really an internal struggle – can I learn this game? Do I even like it? And, even more than that, do I have the physical capacity to do this?

Two years ago, when I tried and fell and dislocated and broke my shoulder, I guess I wasn't physically ready yet. Now, 2 years older, but yet 2 years healthier, I still need to give this a shot one more time. As I don't want to go through the rest of my life wondering...

...and that's what I think is really at the crux of all of this. As scared as I am at possibly hurting myself as badly as I did last time, I would rather try again with that possibility instead of dying with that disappointment in myself for not trying.

Three Weeks of Heaven

Now that I've been back home, and back in the daily routine – I have had the appropriate time to reflect on our 3 weeks in Ireland.

There are so many different thoughts and feelings that I still, sitting here now, cannot figure out what path to choose to describe it all.

Ireland is truly a magical place – even with no family or friends – you will see, I think, the following: they are out of time to some extent so they move slower, they are friendlier, warmer, yet, hard working and connected – to each other, and the earth.

But, this time, we weren't there as tourists – though we did enjoy a few new things. This time it was all about family.

I had not realized how much I was holding my breath to meet the mother of our grandson. The few phone conversations we had with Alex before coming were insightful, but Alex has always been the positive human, so I continued to process what he said through a filter of my own – not even realizing I was doing this subconsciously.

The majority of my thoughts leading up to us landing there were how hard it was going to leave after our 3 weeks are done. Yep! That's right – that's me and my “realistic” or “pessimistic” thought process – how painful it will be to say goodbye when I hadn't even gotten there to say hello. It's sadistic, sick, wrong – but it's my warped mind that I'm continuing to try and shift. A work in progress – for the rest of my time as this human being called Kelley.

The first few days there were a bit awkward and yet, familiar. The familiarity was being back in Leachare and seeing the majority of people in care that we had met and got to know 2 ½ years ago for our 2 ½ weeks time there. But, all of the workers, except for Alex, were different. And, the biggest changes that were awkward were Emma and Felix.

On the 3^rd day we packed up and headed out for a week away from Leachare and their (technically Alex's) work to get to know Emma and Felix, at the resort we rented.

I know the tension that was living in me before we left, and landed, was still quite strong. So, on our first full day away I engaged with Alex to have an adult conversation about their future path – thinking how much I was longing to have Felix nearby, as grandparents, and what I thought our role as grandparents is supposed to be. But, my adult conversation quickly fell into just blubbering tears and, though I tried to not make Alex feel guilty – I know, even now as I sit here typing this, that I did make him feel both guilty and awkward. That was not my intention – and I know Alex knows that as well as we've talked about it towards the end of our trip. But, in the moment of it all – it was a release I did not know I needed to have – and, probably not one that Alex needed to see – yet it happened.

After that crazy moment, and apologies we kind of left it just floating out in the ether of the unknown. Which, honestly, is the only place it belongs.

Our week away from their work (Leachare) and just hanging out watching movies, or going for walks, or touring a castle or pub was just what was needed for all of us to relax and get familiar with this whole paradigm of life.

Getting this time to watch them as a family unit, and watching Alex and Emma as a couple – was the best thing ever! As I said on my facebook, Emma is the sweetest, calmest, most natural and intuitive mother I have ever met. Felix is one very lucky little boy having both a mother, and father, who truly see him as this amazing miracle of life that has his own path and potential in the years to come. Alex has found an amazing person whom he loves deeply, and, she loves him deeply back.  The love for Emma is unconditional, as is Felix.

By the end of that week I knew that they, as a family unit, were good. They were better than good – they were on their path and they will be fine. Which was apparently what I needed to see, and feel, to finally relax into the unknown of the future of watching life move onward and forward.

Coming back to Leachare for the last almost 2 weeks of our time was amazing to watch. Just when I thought that I knew my son, Alex – I would continue to have little snippets of his work life and see how responsible he has become, how knowledgeable he has become, and, even when things are difficult, that he can step back, take a breath before engaging in more difficult situations in a kind and human way. So many of these things that I did not learn until much older in life. Alex continues to teach me new things, and make me proud.

It was still hard to say goodbye, but, only in the fact that I loved seeing them as a family unit and would love to be close enough to engage and watch it more often than we can right now. But, I no longer feel worried or stressed about them as a whole. My role as grandparent is still that – even if it's long distance – for now.

The most important part is that this trip was needed to once again remind me that I have no control – of anything - other than myself.

Visit to the doctors...

I really like my primary care doc.  She was a random choice 3 years ago, based on location, availability and that she was covered under my insurance.

Unlike many doctors, she did not want or try to put me on meds when she saw how high my cholesterol was.  She was honest and serious about the work I would have ahead.

When I returned to see her after almost 3 years she remembered me enough to mention my hair color when she first saw me, "I don't remember you being a red head."  Which impressed me considering how many patients she must see daily.

She then thanked me for making her look good.  Which surprised me.  She said she has the conversation multiple times a week with people who are over weight and have high cholesterol, high blood pressure or on the road to diabetes and that I was statistically one of the few who has managed to make the change - with exercise and diet - to the point that I had improved my health.  Then she asked if there was a trigger - I advised her that my dad dying from a heart attack last year was it.

Then, looking over my family history of cholesterol and heart disease she then went on to say that I should prepare for the chance that my cholesterol test may end up coming back high still, even will all the changes I've done, based on genetics alone.  She also stated that even if it is still high that she was no longer as concerned because of my health improvement and that I've put myself to about .5% to 1% in danger of having a heart event.  But, that as I move into my 50's and 60's that we might have to revisit the med's.

I heard her but - I really was sure that I wasn't that statistic and that my cholesterol definitely had to have gone down more.  Especially when she advised me that I had lost 62 lb's!  The weight loss information was awesome news, but had not been my goal.

Well - she was absolutely correct.  My cholesterol only dropped 9 more points.  Yep, that's it!  I'm officially at 251.  **sigh**  It was a crushing moment, but, I paused to listen to my doc's voice saying that most likely I'm just genetically predisposed to this crap.

I still can improve on the foods I'm eating - which might help a little bit more.  

But, my next goal is to change the stress in my life. Which means career changes.  And, there are days where thinking about that alone stresses me out more than my actual job - and, other days where I daydream about the day that my work life won't be stressful (which are increasing).

Meditation and calming my mind, for just even 5 minutes, is my next goal.  As I don't think I can hear my heart over my head - and I need to switch the path that I follow from my head to my heart. That I know!

I am slowly finding my path to find that calm and quiet - and, honestly - I'm looking forward to it!

The doc said, "Well, I'll see you in a couple of years." before I left that day.  Hopefully, when she does and we do the test again - I'll surprise us both!

Heartbreak. Heartache. Heartfelt.

Heartbreak

2014 was quite a year.  Just as I was moving to the next level of exercise, by learning an organized sport that looks like a lot of fun - roller derby - I fell and dislocated and broke my left shoulder.  That was in February 2014.  I listened to karma, the universe, my body, or whatever you'd like to call it and, have been patiently waiting until I feel that I'm in even BETTER shape before attempting that again.

Two short months later, April 11th, my dad died from a heart attack unexpectedly.  He was 71. Almost a year and a half later and I am still trying to process this loss.  Everyday I think of him and send him my love...everyday.  And, I'm listening to the universe, karma, whatever you'd like to call it.  Life is short, live each day as if it's your last, because you don't know and, have no control.

A few months later, our forever dog, Arthur, was diagnosed with cancer in his back left leg.  The options were to let him die from cancer, or have his leg amputated.  He was a mixed breed, but mostly beagle, and was still young enough that we decided to have his leg amputated.  Of course, the cost was more than we could afford and so we used gofundme.com to see if we could get help.  And, boy did we ever! Arthur had his leg amputated just before Christmas 2014 - and, healed up great, learned how to walk, run and go up and down stairs with his 3 legs.  For the first time since we owned him he was a dog.  And, then in March 2015 he died - from congestive heart failure - we had no idea.  He went in a week, before we even had a chance to realize that there was something seriously wrong with him.

Around the same time of finding out about Arthur I also had a 16 year friendship end.  It was a death of sorts and an adjustment of finding a new path with some new friends.

All-in-all an exhausting year 2014.

Heartache

There were many moments in 2014 where I just wanted to fall apart and give up.  The hurt in my heart and soul, along with the constant pain with my shoulder and continual push with physical therapy to work through it.

Well, there were days I fell apart in hysterical tears on my closet floor or in the shower...my emotions and thoughts all over the place.  'Why should I bother trying?'  'What's the point of it all?'  'This is too exhausting and I can't do it anymore.'  

The pain was unbearable some days... and then my dad would creep back into my thoughts and heart and I could feel him saying, "You are stronger than you think." "You can do this baby."  "If I can quit drinking and smoking cold turkey at the same time and never touch them again for over 30 years... you can do this."

Yes daddy - you are right.  I can, and have - because you taught me how to be strong.

Heartfelt

In 2 weeks I go back to the doctor and have my cholesterol checked - again.  It was originally 300 and, after my last post in December 2012 it had dropped 40 points, to 260.  I've been a bad girl and not had it tested since then.  I had good intentions and then life, as always, got in the way.

Though I have not had my cholesterol checked in 2 1/2 years I did not stop my path to getting healthy again.

My dad's death was my wake-up call. And, his ability to commit to something once he's made up his mind and never waiver, woke-up inside me.  He has been an inspiration for me every day since then.

On the days it's too hot, humid, cold, rainy, not feeling well, my body hurts, too tired, stressed, etc. and my inner voice tries to talk me out of pushing myself - my dad is there to say "You can do it.  Don't give up.  You are stronger than you know."

I have continued these past 2 1/2 years to slowly improve my health - by walking daily and lengthening my walks, deep stretch, and jogging occasionally.  I've also decreased my food portions, eating much healthier food, cutting back on fast food, cutting back on processed food & sugar and, cutting back on going out to eat. All the things I have known for years I need to do but continued to tell myself I really didn't need to do.  Which was putting me on the path of a heart event.

Everyday I continue to push myself - not because I'm on a diet, not because I'm trying to lose weight (though, that has been a bonus - I think I've dropped about 60lb's - I'll find out when I go to the doctors in 2 weeks).  Because I want my quality of life to be the best I can have to enjoy every day that I am lucky enough to wake up and start again. And, because my daddy's voice continues to tell me daily that I am strong and nothing can stop me but me.